Ah, Now That's Aspirational Television

RHONY Recap, Episode 2

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It’s not often that I find myself envious of the people on my television. The people I tend to envy are niche yet celebrated authors with a divorce or two under their belts, a shelf full of awards, writers residencies on their schedules, and enough success to sit around waiting for their next big idea to come to them. They also tend to be elderly white women. Alice Munro, I love you. 

But something about this season of Real Housewives of New York has activated my inner green monster. This is, to be clear, a good thing. The whole point of Housewives is to introduce us to a cast of kooky characters with covetable lifestyles. We should want their houses while being grateful that we don’t have their personality disorders. It’s a fine line that keeps us watching. 

For me, though, there has always been a layer of violent tackiness between myself and “wishing I was a Housewife.” From what I recall, there’s a lot of marble, questionable decor, and outfits that are either boring or trying way, way too hard. I think, I guess, of houses like these. 

Looks expensive, sure, but I do not want to live in it. What makes this season of RHONY so intriguing to me is that, actually, I do want to live these people’s lives. I want their clothes. I want their apartments. I want their cars. I want to know which Manhattan restaurants are trendy and which ones are so 2006. I want to be friends with Jenna Lyons and live in constant fear that she will hate my outfit. I want to steal coconut milk in the Hamptons with Ubah Hassan. I want to FaceTime with Brynn Whitfield. 

I have never felt this way while watching, say, Vanderpump Rules, which feels more akin to watching the Stanford Prison Experiment if the prison was WeHo and the warden was a British lady wearing pearls. Maybe I’ve just finally reached an age where the Real Housewives lifestyle is more legible to me. But I don’t think that’s the whole story. I think these are just cooler ladies than I’m used to seeing. They lead more interesting lives and they have better taste.

My last recap was about the Jenna Lyons of it all. This one is more of a team effort. The girls head to Erin Lichy’s house in the Hamptons, a place I have never been despite multiple attempts to speak it into the universe. God is not listening to me. Erin has arranged for caviar catering. The caterers are named Cynthia and Feliks, with a ‘K.’ Not sure who Feliks thinks he is.

What you need to know is that Jessel hasn’t had sex in over a year, Ubah is absolutely champing at the bit to get to a fancy grocery store called Provisions (“the Bergdorf of supermarkets,” in her words), Jenna has anxiety about sleepovers, and Sai brought too many outfits. She is a content creator, after all. I mean, same. But I suppose all content is not created equal. 

Solving Jessel’s sex recession is priority numero uno, and luckily, Jenna has for some reason bought lingerie for each of the girls. My understanding is that she sent some upscale lingerie company the Housewives’ individual Instagram profiles, and the company paired them with some outfits. I am so sick of not being rich. It disgusts me.

Everyone is pretty happy with their free undies except Jessel, who, to be fair, was given a seagreen abuelita-coded number that basically goes down to the ankles. It’s giving Grinch. “I look like a Christmas tree!” she moans. She goes on and on about how nasty her free lingerie is while Jenna quietly fumes in the background. Yes, this fugly piece of nightwear looks like it will provide the basis for a brewing battle between Jessel and Jenna, which I can’t wait to see in the next episode. 

And now for the power rankings, arranged this week by how well each of the women are doing in the Hamptons. Have you ever been in a Fire Island house or done a trip with the girls and you could swear, swear that there’s a pecking order being arranged? And you start to feel like maybe you’re at the bottom of it because you keep saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, nobody laughs at your jokes, and dinner gets planned more or less without you?

That’s the criteria. It’s very that.

Bravo has still not given in to my demands for screeners, and the Peacock app doesn’t let me screenshot anything, so I’ll be using whatever photos I feel like using each week until they capitulate. 

Jessel Taank

I will say this for Jessel this episode: she proved pivotal in setting up drama. That’s more than I expected! Sadly, she gets saddled with being the resident flop of the Hamptons house, as signaled by when Erin throws her into the kiddy room with the rainbow wall. She was right to be upset about this, I think. “This is how I see you, clown,” is what Erin was saying, in my mind.

Also, no one can go five minutes in this house without bringing up that she has not had sex since the Trump Administration. The woman cannot win. While leaving the house for dinner (at an establishment called Topping Rose, which, I’m told, has hosted many a Housewife), Jenna stops her in the foyer and tells her “you can’t have Alexander Wang on your back and Balenciaga on your bag.” 

Oof. If Jenna Lyons stopped me before leaving the house and told me to change my clothes, I would leave in the middle of the night and not come back. On top of everything else, she’s dressed like the Grinch and everyone is annoyed with her for complaining about it. 

Girl, fight back!

Brynn Whitfield 

Yeah, I don’t know about this image. Brynn was wearing a sheep sweater in the last episode, so I googled “glamorous sheep,” and this is what popped up. Regardless, my apologies to Jessel, who has been placed behind the girl who called in sick this episode. I just love Brynn’s tagline. “Make me mad, and I’ll date your dad.” Oh, Brynn! You rascal. 

Sai De Silva

Sai has gone from “the cheese lady” in episode one to the “toilet paper lady” in episode two. So, you know. That’s a trajectory.

The social media maven brought her own Charmin to Erin’s house, because she doesn’t know what ply toilet paper Erin is working with. She also brought several suitcases for her three-day stay, which is par for the course. I imagine that when a roadtrip happens on any reality show with wealthy women, there will be a “wow, she’s bringing ten suitcases” moment. 

I keep expecting more from Sai, but maybe I shouldn’t? Maybe I’m missing something? Maybe I’m wrong? Sound off in the comments. Don’t forget to ‘like’ and subscribe. Support your small, farm-to-table content creators.

Erin Lichy 

Erin is in her element this episode as the host. I believe she thrives in environments where she can be a bit of a martyr, working so hard to make everything so nice while no one is quite appreciative enough. The caviar catering, for example, was a bust, as no one had eaten lunch and a dollop of fish eggs on a Pringle wasn’t going to cut it. Erin huffs and puffs and rolls her eyes at her cast-mates’ antics, and it was all very endearing to me. I also liked her house, which is by no means a given on these kinds of shows.

Ubah Hassan

Ubah was such a delight this episode. She makes a series of increasingly insane decisions that I for some reason am completely on board with. Immediately upon arriving in the Hamptons she puts on a beautiful blazer and goes to the grocery store, which is closed, then changes into essentially pajamas for dinner and uses her phone’s compass to determine true north so she can sit facing that way at the table.

“Absolutely,” I said. “She is so correct.”

She then waltzes into the kitchen and steals a can of coconut milk. Despite these irrational moves, it must be said that Ubah does not drink. “My life is so beautiful,” she says of her sobriety. “Every time I try to escape the beautiful life I have, God is like, [slap] get back in there!’”

Love. Love!

Jenna Lyons

This was, in the end, Jenna’s episode. After watching episode one, I thought her trajectory would be that of the uptight powder keg, a woman who doesn’t know how to express vulnerability, bottling it up until it all explodes. Jenna went a different route entirely, confessing that sleepovers make her anxious and being upfront with her mommy issues. 

Over dinner, she talks about how she was outed by the New York Post a mere three weeks into “being gay.” That’s wild! I should also mention that the camera zooms in on a plate of mussels while Jenna discusses her lesbianism. I love cinema. 

Her looming kaiju battle with the Grinch has me on the edge of my seat, and I must confess I can’t wait to see her fighting style. Will she be passive aggressive? Calm and direct? Cold and intimidating? Who knows! We’ll find out next week, when Brynn joins the fray.

For now, though, I think it’s safe to say that RHONY is off to a promising start. I am seated. I am engaged. I want to steal Jenny Lyons’ car.