Farewell, RHONY

My last recap and review

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It was the best of times (the first half of the season), it was the worst of times (the second half), but it seems my time of recapping RHONY has at last come to an end. Why did I decide to do this? I’m still not sure. The creative urge called to me, and I, an artist, answered. 

What have I learned? I learned that Sai de Silva is hungry, Brynn Whitfield is flirty, Jenna Lyons has a line of fake lashes, Ubah Hassan is beautiful, Erin is Lichy, and Jessel Taank is an unexpected star. That might not seem like a fair tradeoff for hours of time and energy, but that’s the thing about reality television. Is it ever worth it? Not sure. But it can really make time fly, and that’s a wonderful thing in a world where “every minute is pain.”

So! In recapping this episode, all you really need to know is that Sai is still sworn to secrecy over Ubah’s man, Erin and Sai are not over Pavit going to Vietnam for airline points (I’m assuming because they still low-key believe he is doing sex tourism there?), and, as Erin tells Ubah after they drive around in bumper cars, she and Sai are scandalized by Pavit’s stated reasons for why he loves Jessel, which they’ve interpreted as “she lets me do whatever I want.”

Ubah, who was also there when Pavit made these remarks, gently corrects this, saying that Pavit was really trying to say that “she loves me for me.” Ubah has a lot of wisdom. Just don’t ever take her phone. She also brings up something Sai’s husband said to her, something that also irked me. David asked her, “How is it possible you don’t have a man?” 

Some people see this as a compliment, I suppose, but it’s never fun to hear it. Whenever it’s said to me, no matter how nicely, all I hear is, “Nothing seems to be obviously wrong with you, so what crazy trait of yours that we haven’t seen is keeping you out of a relationship?” It’s just weird. 

Later, while shopping for costumes for Brynn’s loosely themed “masquerade” birthday party, Erin lets Sai know that her husband’s comments bothered Ubah. Sai defends her man by spilling the beans about Ubah’s secret fling. “I think she’s fine,” she says, which piques Erin’s interest. 

Okay, now, listen. I’m a gay guy. I know how secrets work and how they don’t work. Once I let something out to one person, I harbor no illusions that it will stay a complete and total secret. But that’s the thing about secrets in friend groups. There is, I think, an unspoken etiquette to them. It’s a bit of a game, really, and the rules go something like this.

When someone lets you in on a juicy little tidbit, you have some choices to make. You can let a little something slip. It’s not recommended, but, of course, it happens. But it’s up to you to make absolutely sure nothing gets back to the person who swore you to secrecy. You have to use discernment. Is it better to say nothing? Yes! Always! But we can be realistic. If it’s truly something I think no one should know, I’m not going to confide it to a single soul. If I do end up telling someone, aside from a few ride or dies, then I expect them to probably say something to someone.

Still, if it does get back to the person who told you, you do have to take responsibility. Them’s the breaks. 

So, yes. Sai lets Erin in a little bit on Ubah’s secret man. Not cool, of course, but she does seem to regret it immediately, and I do think it was a mistake. That she later tells Brynn and Erin offscreen at Casa Cipriani, well, she’s playing with fire there. While I’m on record as a Brynn fan, the discernment I mentioned above would have come in handy here. If I were a steward of a close friend’s secret, I think I would know better than to spill it to my other friend whose whole thing is being a flirty, bubbly chatterbox who’s never above stirring the pot to generate storylines.

The “Ubah’s secret” plot runs concurrent with the “Jessel vs. the Cackling Hags” plot, and they both come to a head at Brynn’s birthday party, the chosen battlefield for the finale. I must repeat that the theme is “masquerade,” and that all the women have bought masks, but only Jenna actually wears hers. Jenna, as we know from her khaki and animal print party from earlier in the season, cares deeply about themes, and I was laughing imagining her seething from behind that ornate butterfly mask. I agree, Jenna. If you’re not going to stick to the theme, don’t assign one!

Although, I suppose it could be said  that all the women are wearing masks, in a way… the overarching theme of the season has been vulnerability, a willingness to trust others with your story, with your secrets. A high premium has been placed on being open, and some, like Jessel and Jenna, have been antagonized for not being open enough. But here at the masquerade, no one is wearing a physical mask, but no one has actually put all their cards on the table either. I’m 14, and this is very deep to me. 

In any case, we get the usual: Jessel telling Sai and Erin to cut it out, Sai shouting in Jessel’s face, and Erin playing the victim. Once things start to calm down a bit, Brynn, always the producer, gathers everyone together and tells them all to do a fun party activity wherein they air their grievances out loud. Who among us hasn’t done this one? There’s pin the tail on the donkey, breaking open the piñata, and revving up conflict for the cameras. Birthday party classics. 

Oh, and David apologizes in a rather mature way to Ubah. That was nice and appreciated. But unfortunately, Ubah has to serve as the catalyst for the big season finale blow-up, something that happens after Brynn’s failed attempt to induce one with her confusing party activity, and after Erin shows up in a parrot costume because Jessel referred to her as Sai’s pet parrot in the last episode.

I’m going to be honest with you, I have been waiting for the Erin parrot outfit for a long time, but I was disappointed. I don’t know how I got it in my head that it was a full on, like, fursona suit complete with a zipper in the back, but it was really just a boa and a mask. 

Whatever. Life is full of little disappointments.

It’s here that Brynn announces to the room that she’s heard Ubah has a man in Connecticut. Ubah plays it cool at first, asking, I think, “What is Connecticut?” Totally wiggled out of that one. How can she have a man in Connecticut when she doesn’t know what Connecticut is? I believe her. But this really, really upsets Sai, who, by the way, is the one who told Brynn in the first place. She gets up and leaves after telling Brynn she’s acting “really wack.” 

And with that, the battle lines for the reunion are roughly drawn. Ubah and Sai seem incensed with Brynn, Jessel emerges in a good spot with two of her biggest detractors occupying “villain” roles, and Jenna is sitting there in her expensive mask staring blankly at the whole thing. 

So, broadly speaking, what do I think about the reboot? I was excited, and then I was less so, but I do think we should give all the women another season. It’s hard to come straight out of the gate with chemistry and dynamic storylines and drama. They need to get acquainted with their new roles and establish lore with each other. I don’t even think we should drop Sai. I want to see what Sai does or doesn’t do with her performance in the first season. Because it was bad, and I think it’s compelling to see what people do with bad things. 

I also believe, however, that we should add someone. We need another wildcard. We need someone unexpected, someone who will make a splash, someone who will tell it like it is and give good talking heads and bring a signature style to the show.

Fran Lebowitz. 

And now, for the last time: The power rankings. 

Sai de Silva

Okay, alright, it was not her season. This much is clear. And I know a lot of people are saying she shouldn’t return, and she isn’t my favorite either, but I disagree. I think she should come back (assuming they get renewed). I’m very curious to see what she does with where she’s been placed in the public response. She could triple down and go full villain, or she could be redeemed. Maybe she’ll stay the exact same! If so, then, yeah, give her the boot. She wasn’t quite entertaining enough to justify the constant whining and the storming out and the shouting in faces.

Still… Let’s see! Let’s see…

Erin Lichy

I have something controversial to say. I don’t dislike Erin as much as many people seem to. I actually think that in a reboot that frequently sagged in many episodes, she was there providing something to focus on or things to talk about. Believe it or not, I don’t watch this show hoping or expecting the people in it to be good people or to have politics I agree with. I need narrative! Love her or hate her, she showed up to work this season, and I do think she should return.

Ubah Hassan

“I don’t get into people’s marriage, I don’t get into people’s children, it’s none of my business and it shouldn’t be—weak people fight that way.” Ubah is so wise and so beautiful and so funny, though she, more than perhaps any other member of the cast, was giving “friend of.” I hope next season gives her more of a spotlight and even more reasons for us to stan. And I still very much want to try that hot sauce.

Jenna Lyons

I’ve spent a lot of time talking about how much I love Jenna Lyons, and that hasn’t changed! But I do think she’s playing it small on RHONY. Maybe that’s due to legitimate social anxiety, or maybe it’s because she’s trying to mask certain parts of her personality, but either way, I don’t think you make it to head of J.Crew being as timid as she comes off, and if she comes back next season, I’d like to see some of the Jenna that has probably collected many heads. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe. Either way, it was nice to see her on my screen, and watching her try to reconcile herself with the reality of being a Housewife was very entertaining.

Brynn Whitfield

Some might say she was trying a bit too hard this season, and I get that. But I was charmed from episode 1, and I’m still all about Brynn. Maybe I’m just a sucker for a pretty lady with a shtick, but I loved watching her ham it up and stir the pot and wear some truly insane hats. Aspirational behavior in my book. She’s also very willing to go there, which is something you need for TV, and I do think she’s a quick study and will tighten up her performance after watching this season. I get the sense that, despite her antics, she’s a professional.

Jessel Taank

Well, Mrs. Taank. Started from the bottom, but now you’re here. Watching her 180 turn from resident flop to queen of the crop. Queen of the crop? Oh. It’s cream of the crop, isn’t it?

Anyway, Jessel really carried some episodes that would have otherwise been boring. Even in the finale, seeing her deny keeping notes on people who piss her off and calling it “psychotic” after openly bragging about doing exactly that just a few episodes ago reminded me why I love her. Long may she reign.

And with that, I am finished watching and recapping RHONY. It’s been an honor watching television with you all. We laughed, we cried, we flew coach, we complained about the food, and we distanced ourselves from an attempted coup. All in all, I’d say it was worth it. See you in Vietnam.

JP