My Heinous Gift Guide for Sworn Enemies

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal

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Greetings, naughty readers. It’s that time of year. Time for every last writer and publication on the internet to publish their Christmas-themed articles. Did you expect anything different from me? Aw, you shouldn’t have! Indeed, “you shouldn’t have” is what your wretched foe will be saying after you bequeath them something from this deeply unpleasant gift guide I’ve created for sworn enemies.

But John Paul Brammer, you bleat, why would I give my sworn enemy a gift?

Well, my silly little mountain goat, there’s a plethora of hypothetical situations that might call for such an act. Perhaps, for example, you find yourself obliged to give a gift to a family member you despise. Perhaps you’re eager to send a message of dominance to a newcomer to the group, like a sibling’s boyfriend who hasn’t been properly hazed. Maybe you’re simply a foul person with a reputation of cruelty to uphold. If so, you are welcome here. Hate is hate!

To those ends, I’ve plumbed the depths of my wicked imagination to bring you a truly hideous collection of items, at least one of which is guaranteed to make your opposition frown and ask, Why? Warm up some cocoa, affix your Scrooge nightcap squarely on your head, shoot your employee a text that they’re working this Christmas, and enjoy this list of cursed objects that say I hate you, I hate you, I hate you through hot, angry tears. Let us begin.

Atlas Shrugged (Part II) on DVD Blu-Ray

Atlas shrugged, and so did moviegoers and film critics alike in 2011 when Atlas Shrugged: Part I hit theaters across America, a real clunker based on the bestselling screed by Ayn Rand, an author whose devout beliefs in absolute individualism and unfettered capitalism are somewhat contradicted by a commercial box office flop being rewarded with not one, but two sequels. I’m sure she’d love that.

Exercise your rational self-interest in ruining Christmas by giving your chosen idiot a DVD of Atlas Shrugged: Part II, the midpoint of a trilogy that’s rated even lower on Rotten Tomatoes than its predecessor, where it sits at a generous 5%. When asked why you gave them Part II, calmly assert there is no Part I. There is no Part III, either. There is no mercy. No warmth. No Santa Claus. Suffer. Choke. Weep. DVD. Blu-Ray.

Book of Swear Words in Esperanto

Make a vague political statement that will make everyone uncomfortable this Christmas by giving the hundino in your life this book of swear words in Esperanto, the language invented by Polish oculist L. L. Zamenhof in 1887, and the most widely spoken constructed international auxiliary language in the world. That sounds impressive, but unfortunately those series of qualifiers narrow the field considerably, ranking it above Klingon, but well below Basque.

Zamenhof’s dream was to establish a universal second language to foster world peace, so that “all nations would be united in a common brotherhood.” What Zamenhof perhaps didn’t account for was that people speaking different languages is often the only thing keeping them from calling each other mutually understood slurs. Tread on the dreams of Esperanto’s creator at the expense of someone you dislike by purchasing them this nasty book of swears that at least one Esperanto speaker reviewed as “useless.” Communicate to the targeted recipient that you think they’re a bitch in any language, even and especially the marginal ones. Or, as we say in Esperanto, manĝu merdon, aĉulo.

Speaking of targets…

Target Pride Blazer

Befuddle your heterosexual bête noire or outright offend your homosexual antagonist by gifting them this outdated rainbow blazer from Target’s Pride Collection in 2022, a year or two before Target agreed that being gay isn’t quite normal. This Rorschach test of a gift registers as a threat to a straight person, telling them, “dress up like the Rainbow Riddler, or you’re a bigot,” and an insult to a gay person, to whom it says, “this is what you all look like to me, Skittles.” It’s a lose-lose, perfect for the cursed Christmas vibes you’re angling for.

Existentially Anguished Planter

The planter, aware of itself, screams in ecstasy and agony, enraptured with the violent experience of sentience that it didn’t ask for. May its realistic toes inspire an unsettling feeling in your hated rival this Christmas!

Dasani T-Shirt

Light up your soul with joy as you watch the subject of your enmity hold this t-shirt up and read the profoundly nonsensical text aloud. What did Dasani tell you to do the 1st time? Taste like shit? Disappoint someone in an airport? Be someone’s absolute last resort while dying of thirst in a desert? What’s with the blue checkmark? What’s up with the font selections? I don’t know, and I don’t care. I wouldn’t care if this whole world hatched and a billion space spiders crawled out. Feliz Navidad.

Haunted Funko Pop

For months, I embedded myself in the Funko Pop community (the Funko Population) with the sole intent of finding the Funko Pop that’s most likely to come to life at night and murder its master in cold blood. The competition was stiff. There was a Ruth Bader Ginsburg Funko Pop, as well as a Brett Favre Funko Pop. Had there been a Margaret Thatcher Funko Pop, an evil idea I came up with all by myself, perhaps I would have gone with that, but I suppose there’s some mercy yet in our generally ambivalent creator.

Behold at last, the fruits of my nefarious labor: The Mrs. Potts Funko Pop, a horrid figurine accompanied by an equally horrifying Chip that manufacturers accidentally imbued with the souls of a vengeful Hungarian mercenary and his neglected neurodivergent son. I think Chip probably just watches.

Warhammer 40k Scent of Pestilence Candle

Mount a direct attack on your enemy’s olfactory system with this candle produced in association with Warhammer 40k, the world’s most successful miniature war game, whatever that means. The Nurgle Scent of Pestilence candle is inspired by “the Plague Lord” and comes in a lovely shade of “Corruption Green,” making it a wonderful stocking stuffer for anyone you don’t enjoy who is sure to get a whiff of it and think about the wanton cruelty of our warlike species and the needless suffering we insist upon.

HitClips ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ Pen

In the year 2000, years before smartphones took stewardship over our attention spans, but only one year before the release of the iPod, Tiger Electronics released a novelty product that would for some reason seize pre-teen brains around the world: HitClips, a tiny digital audio player that played low-fidelity, one-minute clips of pop songs. The micro music chips became a status symbol in middle schools everywhere, carried around on keychains like a warlord carrying around collected heads. But there was a novelty within the novelty. There were other forms of the audio player, the most cursed of which was a ballpoint pen.

This “Real Working Ball Point Pen (sic)” is capable of writing in blue ink, and of piping precisely one minute of “Who Let the Dogs Out” by the Baha Men through a single earbud at a time. Shortly after including this one, I changed my mind. I want it. Someone should buy it for me. I would compose a timeless American classic with it. NOT FOR CHILDREN UNDER 3 YEARS.

Tooth Chess Set

Tell the unloved chess player in your life to rejoice, for the chess set made of teeth awaits them beneath the tree. This beautiful enamel work of art sends the message that you have killed before and likely will again. When they ask where the black pieces are, slip on some brass knuckles and say, “haven’t made ‘em yet.”

Whew. Being terrible sure is exhausting. I hope you found this list inspiring in some way. If you want a gift guide for people you actually like, I highly recommend that of

Hunter Harris

at Hung Up, which can be found here. You could also visit my print shop, or give someone a paid subscription to this very Substack, where I’ll be posting more exclusive content in 2025. I’ll include a button you can press below to do so. Let me know your ideas for a cursed gift in the comments, and until next time, God bless us everyone, and Unhappy Holidays to us all.

John Paul