My Heinous Gift Guide for Sworn Enemies
Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal
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Greetings, naughty readers. It’s that time of year. Time for every last writer and publication on the internet to publish their Christmas-themed articles. Did you expect anything different from me? Aw, you shouldn’t have! Indeed, “you shouldn’t have” is what your wretched foe will be saying after you bequeath them something from this deeply unpleasant gift guide I’ve created for sworn enemies.
But John Paul Brammer, you bleat, why would I give my sworn enemy a gift?
Well, my silly little mountain goat, there’s a plethora of hypothetical situations that might call for such an act. Perhaps, for example, you find yourself obliged to give a gift to a family member you despise. Perhaps you’re eager to send a message of dominance to a newcomer to the group, like a sibling’s boyfriend who hasn’t been properly hazed. Maybe you’re simply a foul person with a reputation of cruelty to uphold. If so, you are welcome here. Hate is hate!
To those ends, I’ve plumbed the depths of my wicked imagination to bring you a truly hideous collection of items, at least one of which is guaranteed to make your opposition frown and ask, Why? Warm up some cocoa, affix your Scrooge nightcap squarely on your head, shoot your employee a text that they’re working this Christmas, and enjoy this list of cursed objects that say I hate you, I hate you, I hate you through hot, angry tears. Let us begin.
Atlas Shrugged (Part II) on DVD Blu-Ray
Atlas shrugged, and so did moviegoers and film critics alike in 2011 when Atlas Shrugged: Part I hit theaters across America, a real clunker based on the bestselling screed by Ayn Rand, an author whose devout beliefs in absolute individualism and unfettered capitalism are somewhat contradicted by a commercial box office flop being rewarded with not one, but two sequels. I’m sure she’d love that.
Exercise your rational self-interest in ruining Christmas by giving your chosen idiot a DVD of Atlas Shrugged: Part II, the midpoint of a trilogy that’s rated even lower on Rotten Tomatoes than its predecessor, where it sits at a generous 5%. When asked why you gave them Part II, calmly assert there is no Part I. There is no Part III, either. There is no mercy. No warmth. No Santa Claus. Suffer. Choke. Weep. DVD. Blu-Ray.